One of the fun questions you sometimes get asked when you do online “personality assessment” surveys is which super power you’d pick if you could choose one. The ability to fly? To be invisible? To shoot flames from your fingertips?
When I was writing the Social IQ book, I realized after delving into the research that a high level of social intelligence might very well qualify as a kind of superpower. In fact, in practical, real-life terms, it might be one of the best to have.
Here’s a quote from the book:
Did you ever play a “role playing” game, such as Dungeons and Dragons? In many such games, your first job is to pick the tools, talents, and helpers or allies you’ll need on your big adventure. You might decide you’ll need a sword, the ability to see through solid walls, a wand, or a bag of magic beans that could do… oh, any number of things: blow something up, make a unicorn appear, or turn into nurturing soup if you add water and boil them.
This is also the way you start out in “real life.” You get some skills, like learning to speak and tie your shoes. You get some resources, like maybe a college fund, or useful words of wisdom from your dad, and maybe his old pocket knife or Zippo. Or you may go to a far-off country with a letter of reference from a boss that will open a few doors for you. And there’s always that magical device that can do more things than even Harry Potter’s wand: your Visa card!
But what if you could only pick one thing — one tool or talent or personal attribute — that would give you the greatest chance of long-term survival in a real-life adventure? What would it be?
Hmm… It would have to be something that could help you feel good when you were discouraged or hurt. Something that could help you get the “basics” taken care of: food, shelter, safety, warmth. Something that might open doors, protect you from enemies and help you gain friends and allies, especially when the going got rough. Finally, it should be something that you couldn’t lose or have stolen from you, or drop overboard in a storm.
When you look at this list, you realize: magic beans can only do so much! (How many unicorns do you really need?) Same for that spectacular laser blaster — once you dispatch one or two Cylons, or use it to accidentally demolish your last can of chili while trying to open it, it’s not so useful! And even your Visa card is easy to lose… and there is that annoying credit limit!
On the other hand, consider some of the “powers” that come with social intelligence. Running through the elements of SI that I listed above, imagine all its uses on your great adventure:
Knowing thyself:
Remember how Yoda told Luke Skywalker that it’s what you “bring into the cave with you” that can do you in? He was right!
You have strong passions and desires and fears. In a tough spot, an “enemy” can use them against you, right? Get you to blow up at the wrong time. Get you to turn and run in terror. Get you to waste your energy on trifles, to wreck your key alliances out of impatience or selfishness. And on and on — most “great adventures” you read about (or see in the movies) hinge on whether the hero or heroine can “master their own passions”. (Think about it — from Homer’s Odysseus through Harry Potter and his friends, self-mastery, especially of those unruly passions and fears, is one key to survival or destruction.)
Tuning in to others:
Empaths on Star Trek. Mr. Spock’s original “mind meld.” Spidey’s “spider sense.” Need I say more? Understanding the other person — their feelings, their needs, the things they are trying to communicate, is a key survival skill. Want a real life example? How about Sacagawea, the woman who guided Lewis and Clark’s expedition to safety with her translation skills and understanding of the tribes they encountered? How about that mentor in college or on your first job, who helped you learn the ropes, who was who and what was going on with other people’s agendas? How about that great doctor (or girlfriend or boyfriend) we all want, who knows exactly what’s wrong from the look on our faces? Pretty powerful, right?
Making connections:
When you’re in the galaxy of Glaxxon and need permission to pass, when you are in the cubicles of Widget Corps and need permission to buy a costly new widget press, or when you’re in Target and want a refund, what’s the main skill you call on? Right — the ability to connect with someone, to communicate, to win them to your side! Same thing goes for your personal life — if you have that winning smile, that way of talking to someone that inspires confidence and liking, game’s over and you (both) win!
Caring:
In your role play game, it may not be so clear that compassion or caring are “key weapons.” But think about it: ever see a movie or read a book in which the least caring, or the snottiest and most insensitive person wins? Maybe in the short run, but we all generally prefer to hang with the people who seem really to care about us and others. Selfish, uncaring people lose allies and friends faster than a collie sheds hair in the summertime.
So, in conclusion… in the game of life, what magical power, skill, or tool should you pick? Magic beans? Or social smarts?
